Donkey Kong Country theta: Kong Kollege Kalkulus
by StupidSequel
Summary: K. Rool has become the newest professor at Kong Kollege and he has a diabolical plan up his sleeve. Diddy is faced with a tough decision and the plot is resolved with a very common element of my crack fics.


**Donkey Kong Country 4, 5 , or 6? (Do Donkey Kong 64 and Donkey Kong Country Returns count as sequels?) Kong Kollege Kalkulus**

It was the apes' first day of the new semester at Kong Kollege.

Instead of Wrinkly Kong, their teacher was a fat, Mexican (or Hispanic? I dunno. Whatever Cartman looked like when he was being Eric Cartminez) looking crocodile wearing sunglasses, a brown wig showing a _ like hairstyle, and he spoke in some kind of accent.

"I am Kartminez K. Rool, here to teach you Kalkulus (he pronounced it like 'kal-kool-us.'). This material is so hard, you will feel pure bliss if you somehow get an A in this class due to personal satisfaction. I hope this material doesn't make your head explode." He chuckled slightly at those last few words. "Time to start. No need to explain the syllabus, it's self explanatory, exactly what it says on the tin."

Donkey looked at his syllabus. It was a bunch of Revelation-type symbolism written in Shakespearean vernacular, and if translated properly would lead to the complexity and verbosity of a grad school essay, using enough big or obscure words to make 'I am' be like saying 'rock grade swap sweepstakes binge trope.'

"I got it. You syllabus says-"

"DO NOT SPOIL IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR CLASS MATES!" K. Rool interrupted Donkey. "Okay, so I am 3 minutes late for the start of this lecture. There will be no review of any previous math classes. Just jumping right in with matrices involving the partial fraction expansion of a trigonometric derivative of the square root of an isosceles triangle, and then we take the second integral and square it, and we end up with the endpoints of a definite integral, which we use to find the rest of the matrix, which we then watch to see that memetic scene where they were kicking each other and it did a 360 degree pan with them frozen in time. Any questions?" Everybody raised their right hand, except Nerdy Kong, who raised his left. "It's good that you have questions because that means you know that the material is complex enough for you to need to ask questions. Yes, Nerdy Kong." Nerdy Kong was a white pelted monkey who wore huge glasses and had a couple freckles on his face. He wore khaki pants and a white button up shirt with a pocket in front. He always carried a calculator. Except for this class. Calculators were not allowed in K. Rool's class.

"How did you get the 4 at the end?"

"Because I got the 4 from where I substituted sine theta for under the square root where we take the limit of this grass function, the graph of which would produce an anti-derivative of the endpoints of whichever way the cookie crumbles."

"I understand now!" Nerdy Kong cheered. He was scribbling down a practice problem. While he was thinking to himself about the correct process, his head exploded. Bits of skull and brain flew everywhere. The whole class laughed except Diddy, Donkey, Dixie, and Dinky. Derpy Kong sat at the back of the room. He was the dumbest student in the class. He was a buck tooth hick orangutan with swirly eyes, akin to Derpy Hooves from MLP. He raised his hand.

"I want a banana. B-A-N-A-N-A. This shit is banana. B-A-N-A-N-A."

As more apes raised their hands and asked questions and furthering their understanding of the material, their heads exploded too. It sounded like in the games when you get shot out of a barrel cannon.

"Dammit, I don't want my head to explode, but I don't want to fail either!" Diddy pressed. "I think getting an A is worth risking my head asplode."

"NO! I don't wanna lose my brother!" Donkey moaned. Kartminez glanced at his watch.

"Lunch time everyone!" He called out.

When everyone got back from the cafeteria, everyone was hungry as hell.

"WHERE IS ALL THE FOOD?" Dinky screamed.

"Have you not heard?" K. Rool asked innocently.

"What, that the bird is the word? We've all heard that joke many a time before. It's so overused it makes Justin Bieber puberty jokes look completely original." K. Rool face palmed.

"There's your lunch. Eat up." He was pointing to the remains of their classmates' exploded heads. They had no choice but to obey.

"He's got Zingers in his brain," Dixie whispered.

"Okay, lunch time's over, time to dive into the rest of the lecture. We have a quiz this Friday, and if you dare drop this class, you will be known as a wuss for life." Diddy had no idea what to do. If he got an F, he would be grounded, and if he dropped the course, he would be a wuss, and if he stuck around for Friday's quiz, his head might explode, and that would be unhealthy. He needed to decide on what to do by Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Fr... okay, I'll shut up now. He hoped desperately for a fourth option, but it just didn't seem possible.

The next day more students' heads exploded.

"Hi, I'm on my period and I tried to put a Klampon up my you know what, but it bit me." Derpy Kong went on.

"Okay, one, you're a guy, therefore you can't get a period, and two, TAMPON, NOT Klampon!"

"But I read the author's Green Lantern troll fic, so it must be possible."

"The author of this story is an idiot. Don't trust him," Jumpy Kong retorted. Jumpy Kong, that was uncalled for. Say you're sorry right now! No? I hate you. In fact, I just might kill you in retaliation.

Jumpy Kong's head exploded when he tried to do long division involving matrices of partial fraction squares of the sine wave that cuss words represent in the kitchen of a fat man.

Once more the surviving classmates slurped up the exploded heads of their dead classmates who absorbed too much material. Donkey couldn't take it anymore. He knew he was stronger than K. Rool.

"WHY. ARE. YOU. DOING. THIS?" Donkey demanded thru gritted teeth while punching K. Rool's head several times.

"We have to save money any way we can. That means no more food in the cafeteria. See, back when I was Captain K. Rool (DKC2) Dixie and Diddy had collected all the banana coins, Krem coins, and DK coins, and did something with them that no one knows about, thereby destroying the economy forever. Since they haven't resurfaced, we had to save money any way we can. So that's why I have to teach this brutally hard Calculus course and have peoples' brains explode. To provide food. Just blame Diddy and Dixie for that. Oh shit, I shouldn't have told you that. Forget everything I just said."

Now they knew the awful truth. But Diddy still wanted an A but he didn't want his head to explode. IT WAS SO HARD! The only way he could possibly stop K. Rool is if he could make all math in the world disappear somehow. But wouldn't that require so much confusing nonsense that his head might explode anyway? Well, it was worth a shot. Or maybe some duct tape might do the trick.

On the morning of Friday's quiz, Diddy put duct tape all over his head as well as all the remaining classmates. He absorbed enough material to get an A on the quiz, and guess what? His head did not explode. The duct tape worked!

"Your heads are not exploding, but there is a catch. You have nothing to eat now!" All the classmates were advancing toward K. Rool, licking their lips. They got out forks and knives.

"Yum! I like the taste of fat crocodile in the morning." Diddy remarked.

"There's enough K. Rool meat to feed every ape around here for years to come," Dixie added, and then Diddy and Dixie kissed. Donkey and Candy followed suit.

"You may kiss the bride," Lovejoy Kong said to the newlywed couples Donkey and Candy, Diddy and Dixie. "If anyone objects to these marriages, speak now or forever hold your peace."

"They should not be wed because they are kin. Their last name is Kong." Diddy and Donkey's eyes turned into white face snakes (if you don't know what I mean, either play Donkey Kong Country 2, go into a boss fight, and observe their reaction when they first meet the boss, or click on Shaman Squarepants and ctrl-F 'white face snakes' and read the words around it, assuming you don't want to read the Ke$ha lyric quality crack I specially prepared.) They said "Er eh eh eh er eh eh eh" while their eyes popped out. All four apes' heads exploded.

I forgot to mention this in the rest of my fanfic, but this is a pass fail course. It's either an A or an F.


End file.
